I have missed blogging SO much. The past two months have been a total and complete blur and I am so happy that I made it through to the other side. I’m officially calling 2014 a wrap and am currently taking some very significant time off. I’m anticipating this time off will mean getting caught up with blogging because there has obviously been A LOT happening and I’ve had no time to talk about any of it. Talking about everything here is my most favorite part of this job of mine believe it or not, so when I say I’ve missed it…I really mean that. I’m also hoping that this time off will give me some clarity. I’ve been really struggling the past year with deciding if this is the right path for me. I am constantly feeling like I may want to try other things and some days I just want to be a stay at home mom so I can spend as much time with Phoenix as possible. I’ve also made a really big step this year by getting baptized.. I’ve been a “christian” my entire life and was baptized in 5th grade, but it has really only been in the last year and a half that I have truly embraced that title and started putting God and Jesus Christ first in my life. Or at least trying to, I’m obviously a work in progress and I definitely need a whole heck of a lot of work. So with that being said, that has been another thought on my mind… how does this business glorify God? Would God rather me be doing something more impactful or meaningful directly for him? I don’t even have any idea what that is or what that would look like, but these are the things I have been thinking about.
Regardless of what direction God leads me in the future, I know that I want to slow down. I don’t enjoy life when I don’t have time to vacuum the ever-accumulating piles of dog hair in my house. I know that sounds really simple minded and it is. I grew up in the country on a really pretty piece of property with my parents, brother, and dog Sparky in Arkansas. I used to ride my bike around on the dirt roads, go play on top of rocks, and jump into our creek from a rope swing. Lately, a simpler, slower existence like that has really appealed to me. I don’t really know how to get there, but saying it out loud might be a good start. I also know that I will probably never be content not doing something creative and creating things…or experiences. So there’s that as well.
I may never get it all figured out…I think that’s pretty normal (I hope). This past year has been such a learning experience. It was my third year of being in business and the first year that I felt like it really hit me…this doesn’t stop. It was a very messy, imperfect, exciting, and rewarding year. And let me just say that working in the wedding industry is very stressful indeed. On any given wedding day there are a bevy of problems to solve, hundreds of people to make happy (a select few obviously more important than others), and curve balls thrown left and right. When I first started I used to stress out on wedding days because I was new and didn’t really know what I was doing. Now I stress out on wedding days because I know there are going to be things that go wrong, things that are out of my control, and problems that I will have to solve immediately. It’s really a very odd feeling. Most wedding days I wake up feeling nauseous, I drive to the wedding feeling nauseous where I will then be too busy to notice that I am probably about to puke at any moment from the stress. My husband has to stop me around 3 or 4pm to make sure that I eat something. There have been days where I couldn’t even get my mouth to swallow food. It’s like my body didn’t recognize it. I just keep going until all of the major events have taken place and then somehow towards the end of the night I can breathe again, I can maybe swallow a couple of bites of food. It’s so very strange and every wedding morning I vow that I never want to plan another wedding again…and then somehow that evening when my bride hugs me with tears in her eyes, or sends me a late night text telling me that she just had the best night of her entire life and she could have never dreamed of doing it without me…I think- oh that wasn’t so bad. I can do more of these! It’s beyond the strangest thing. I’ve never even really vocalized these feelings and I think my husband is really the only person aware of how wedding days actually affect me. I’m really good at hiding the stress, hiding the panic, I once called myself a duck because I’m completely calm and in control on the top, but beneath the surface my little feet are paddling to stay afloat, to stay ahead of the next possible catastrophe. I realize I’m making it sound so dramatic…and maybe it isn’t so bad- I’m definitely not saving lives here, but it sure does feel quite monumental in the moment. Anyways, this post is messy, unorganized, and has zero pretty pictures…and for that I apologize. But I’m going to hit publish nonetheless. Thanks for listening and coming back after I’ve been so neglectful. Good things to come I promise :)